Tonight I went to see Morgenstern again. The energy felt very good tonight, and I wasn't disappointed.
When we first got there, I had a long conversation with a man there I have met before who seems to take care of a lot of the logistical details around the yeshiva. He had told me earlier of another Hasidic master that I should meet. Tonight I asked him how to get to meet this person. He told me there were several ways: the first was to get accepted into his "Kollel" or adult study where a person receives a stipend to study. Baring that, the easiest way to meet him was to donate money, say, around $1000 or bring people to him that would donate. When I indicated that those weren't good options, he told me that he teaches classes, and if I dressed like a hassid, I could sneak into one of the classes. At that point, I realized that this teacher was probably not someone I'd want to meet with anyway. Too many layers. And I don't want to meet someone for whom I have to pretend to be someone else. So I'll keep looking for other kabbalistic masters.
I also asked him how he experienced Morgenstern's energy. he said it was like light emanating out from him. It was in the sephirah of Keter. An interesting way of talking about it, but not one I understand yet.
During the first talk that Morgenstern gave, I went very deep and felt a lot of power. At first I tried to connect with Morgenstern, but quickly realized that there was another soul right in front of me, above and to the left. Last week, when I was there, I was very sick, and another soul came to the same place. I thought at that point that it was the Amshinover. He pressed into the left side of my head until I finally let him in. He then put a long pole of light down through my head into the center of my body. I asked him what it was and he said: Boundaries. I've been playing with it all week.
Tonight, the soul was much more powerful, and again pushed a rod of light into my body. This time, however, it went above and below me, and had handholds like knots in a rope every few feet. When I asked who it was, I was asked back if it was important. No, I said, so I let it be. Later on, I thought it was Honi the Circler (a talmudic figure) and asked again. This time, he drew a circle for me. I asked him about how to get powerful and he said that in asking the question, I was preventing it from happening. That my motivations for becoming powerful were to impress others. I thought that I needed to become more modest, and he said no, that would happen on it's own. I needed to focus on learning, not self-aggrandizing, and I would move forward. Then he said he was done, and he was gone. He is definitely not a soul I can call, and I count myself blessed that he showed up.
I connected to Morgenstern then, and again, he was very far away. I realized that I could use the rod that Honi had put into my body like a ling shu, a spiritual pivot, to climb into the spiritual world. So I went up and found myself inside myself looking down at the room. I could see that Morgenstern didn't have spirits around him, as I suspected, telling him what to say (magidim), but instead was filled with divine light that gave him the inspiration. And that light emanated out into the room. Just like my friend had described. But I also realized that he wasn't getting anything back from the other people in the room.
Some people have a guru mentality, where they are nourished by the attention they receive from others. Some have a dark guru power where they take other's power to use as their own, thereby making the other people dependent on them. Morgenstern didn't seem to get anything from the people in the room. He was doing what he was doing, and some of the people in the room were taking from him, which I think must be hard on him, some were not connecting at all, and almost none were giving anything back to him. I can only think it must be very draining on him. I tried to figure out how I could give back to him and make it a two way connection, but I'm not sure I succeeded. It made me think it's time to meet him outside of these Motzei Shabbat (Saturday night) talks.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Saturday, August 11, 2007
A simple yet powerful thought.
Tonight I went to see Morgenstern again. I got there late because I went to see a different chasidic master. This one was more populist and less powerful. It was interesting, but not something I think that I will do again.
When I got to Morgenstern, he was already speaking, so I just let myself drift into it. I sensed the calm and the focus of the room. Everything was very quiet and just Morgenstern speaking. I again went to the heavenly beit midrash where they scolded me for being late. I told them that I was at the other master and they told me not to go there again, but to come here.
Then I sat down to study there with a chevruta who's face was entirely a shadow, I couldn't see it at all. We started to study and he showed me the word אתה (you) and I understood that it includes aleph to tav, all the letters of creation, with the ה representing the 10 sephirot of the tree of life [Note on October 22, 2009: I don't understand this now, but would explain it as ה meaning Hashem which contains everything]. Then I was shown that אני (I) can mean אין (nothing). I was told that when I study, I have to pay close attention to my partner, and not get absorbed in my own stuff. If I can really make a heart connection, as well as a mind connection with my partner, then the study will be a very powerful experience. If I focus on that, the worlds can be open to me through study.
It's a very simple, but a very powerful thought.
When I got to Morgenstern, he was already speaking, so I just let myself drift into it. I sensed the calm and the focus of the room. Everything was very quiet and just Morgenstern speaking. I again went to the heavenly beit midrash where they scolded me for being late. I told them that I was at the other master and they told me not to go there again, but to come here.
Then I sat down to study there with a chevruta who's face was entirely a shadow, I couldn't see it at all. We started to study and he showed me the word אתה (you) and I understood that it includes aleph to tav, all the letters of creation, with the ה representing the 10 sephirot of the tree of life [Note on October 22, 2009: I don't understand this now, but would explain it as ה meaning Hashem which contains everything]. Then I was shown that אני (I) can mean אין (nothing). I was told that when I study, I have to pay close attention to my partner, and not get absorbed in my own stuff. If I can really make a heart connection, as well as a mind connection with my partner, then the study will be a very powerful experience. If I focus on that, the worlds can be open to me through study.
It's a very simple, but a very powerful thought.
Friday, August 10, 2007
I went to see a Hasidic master named Morgenstern last Saturday night. Not really see him, but sit at his table while he prays and speaks entirely in Yiddish. I don't speak any yiddish, nor do I really understand the Hebrew as it's so heavily accented. So mainly I'm there to soak up the energy, which can be quite powerful.
It is their custom to extend the sabbath as long as possible, so even though it was after shabbat for me, for him, the sabbath continues until late in the night. Accordingly, I was there for seudah Shlishit, or third meal, which usually occurs around four in the afternoon. I got there about 10:15 pm, and they had only started a half hour earlier.
I went last week, so this was my second time. He does this every week as the sabbath goes out. The general flow is that people sing and pray, then Morgenstern speaks for a while, then more songs and prayers, then another talk. So these were my thoughts on my visit tonight.
The room was packed. Someone had gotten married today, so this was a blessing for him or something like that. It also meant there were a lot of people there who don't normally come.
During the first time he spoke, I went on a journey to the beit midrash elyon (the heavenly study house, a place of power for me that I go to often). All was quiet there as people listened to him. They made occasional side comments about what he said, but as I couldn’t understand what he was saying, I didn’t know what they were saying either.
I went to table there and sat down. A book was open and I looked at it. The words were vibrating. The letters were floating around the page, and all through it, the words were infused with the multi-colored ribbons of creation. I understood that Morgenstern goes to the other side by studying, and the words carry him there. And I understood that I can do this too.
I realized also that the physical room was full of distraction. The people there were listening to what he was saying, but they didn’t really get it, so the room was terribly distracted. He spoke for a long time, so people got very restless. I found their behavior distracting. And I closed my eyes again, and was told to open my heart, which has been the message I’ve been getting for the past few weeks. I did and it was overwhelming. I could feel all of the people in the room and their distraction. All of their emotions, and thoughts. I wanted to check out again, but I was told to stay and ride with it. I did until the end of his talk. It will take a lot practice to do that without being overwhelmed or taking on other people’s stuff.
When he spoke the second time, I felt myself pulled very fast forward, like everything was in super-speed. I just went with it, and then found myself in a yard with a bunch of logs and an axe. I was told to chop wood. I chopped. I got distracted, I was told to chop. My thoughts wandered, I was told to chop. Towards the end of his talk, I was shown some of the exercises I need to do to learn Hebrew, and I was told to chop. I realized that I’m not chopping wood to achieve the zen enlightenment: Chop wood, carry water. I’m chopping wood so I can learn to focus and do the same exercise over and again until I get it. I was also shown that some people get through to the other side by doing a repetitive action.
I'm excited to go this week and see what happens.
It is their custom to extend the sabbath as long as possible, so even though it was after shabbat for me, for him, the sabbath continues until late in the night. Accordingly, I was there for seudah Shlishit, or third meal, which usually occurs around four in the afternoon. I got there about 10:15 pm, and they had only started a half hour earlier.
I went last week, so this was my second time. He does this every week as the sabbath goes out. The general flow is that people sing and pray, then Morgenstern speaks for a while, then more songs and prayers, then another talk. So these were my thoughts on my visit tonight.
The room was packed. Someone had gotten married today, so this was a blessing for him or something like that. It also meant there were a lot of people there who don't normally come.
During the first time he spoke, I went on a journey to the beit midrash elyon (the heavenly study house, a place of power for me that I go to often). All was quiet there as people listened to him. They made occasional side comments about what he said, but as I couldn’t understand what he was saying, I didn’t know what they were saying either.
I went to table there and sat down. A book was open and I looked at it. The words were vibrating. The letters were floating around the page, and all through it, the words were infused with the multi-colored ribbons of creation. I understood that Morgenstern goes to the other side by studying, and the words carry him there. And I understood that I can do this too.
I realized also that the physical room was full of distraction. The people there were listening to what he was saying, but they didn’t really get it, so the room was terribly distracted. He spoke for a long time, so people got very restless. I found their behavior distracting. And I closed my eyes again, and was told to open my heart, which has been the message I’ve been getting for the past few weeks. I did and it was overwhelming. I could feel all of the people in the room and their distraction. All of their emotions, and thoughts. I wanted to check out again, but I was told to stay and ride with it. I did until the end of his talk. It will take a lot practice to do that without being overwhelmed or taking on other people’s stuff.
When he spoke the second time, I felt myself pulled very fast forward, like everything was in super-speed. I just went with it, and then found myself in a yard with a bunch of logs and an axe. I was told to chop wood. I chopped. I got distracted, I was told to chop. My thoughts wandered, I was told to chop. Towards the end of his talk, I was shown some of the exercises I need to do to learn Hebrew, and I was told to chop. I realized that I’m not chopping wood to achieve the zen enlightenment: Chop wood, carry water. I’m chopping wood so I can learn to focus and do the same exercise over and again until I get it. I was also shown that some people get through to the other side by doing a repetitive action.
I'm excited to go this week and see what happens.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
A difference
There are moments in my life when I suddenly look up and realize that people are different and there are more ways to do something than I thought possible. And in that moment, I gain enormous perspective on how I actually do things. Tonight at Tai Chi class was one of those moments.
We were doing some very beginner push hands techniques trying to sink down while pushing our partner away from us. I am not very good at this at all. Most of my partners pushed me off balance while I was unable to move them at all. While I was working with one partner, I realized that both of us were trying to feel the connection and not really push the other. So I reverted back to my healing connection and started to establish a heart connection with him, and it was then I realized that the push hands connection was very different.
I realized that the heart connection I make brings the person Love. It can bring them to an altered state of consciousness, but fundamental to it is the lack of desire to move them anywhere. The connection becomes the most important part and all of the work is in establishing and maintaining the connection. The push hands is all about projecting one's Qi outward, and in particular, finding your opponents weakness and pushing through it to knock him/her off balance.
In my healing work, I don't project my energy outward, I invite souls into the room to heal. But this has recently been one of my issues, I need to learn to project myself outward, so this means either a change in the heart connection, or I have to learn to be able to do both and use either as appropriate. Very exciting to be learning a new way of moving energy around.
We were doing some very beginner push hands techniques trying to sink down while pushing our partner away from us. I am not very good at this at all. Most of my partners pushed me off balance while I was unable to move them at all. While I was working with one partner, I realized that both of us were trying to feel the connection and not really push the other. So I reverted back to my healing connection and started to establish a heart connection with him, and it was then I realized that the push hands connection was very different.
I realized that the heart connection I make brings the person Love. It can bring them to an altered state of consciousness, but fundamental to it is the lack of desire to move them anywhere. The connection becomes the most important part and all of the work is in establishing and maintaining the connection. The push hands is all about projecting one's Qi outward, and in particular, finding your opponents weakness and pushing through it to knock him/her off balance.
In my healing work, I don't project my energy outward, I invite souls into the room to heal. But this has recently been one of my issues, I need to learn to project myself outward, so this means either a change in the heart connection, or I have to learn to be able to do both and use either as appropriate. Very exciting to be learning a new way of moving energy around.
A fear of Cossacks
I was walking up to my Tai Chi class tonight when I realized I had walked down a familiar line of thought. I imagine some disaster that suddenly, God forbid, takes my family away. I imagine my reactions and how it would destroy my life. Usually, when I catch myself thinking these thoughts, I thank God for what I have, and try to feel the fear of loss more intensely so that I can put it back in its appropriate place and not let it control my actions.
Tonight, however, I suddenly felt the fear as part of something much, much larger. It almost felt as if the whole city was a part of the intensity of this fear. I had to stop walking several times and just let the fear run on past me. It almost felt like the ancestral flow. That's when I realized I was probably feeling the Jewish fear that no matter how good it gets, someone will come and destroy it all and take it away from us. I call this the Cossack fear, though it should probably be called the Tisha B'Av fear (that's the date of the destruction of the second temple).
It's the fear that we are going to be sitting in our village, and then, for no reason we can see, a bunch of cossacks come running through town destroying everything. How many times has this been repeated in our history: the expulsion from Spain, the holocaust, and now, the fear that Israel will fall. Does it happen because we don't know how to deal with this fear, and we remember all the times we were almost destroyed (or were destroyed) without knowing how to respond to the fear that comes with it? Or is it just a part of who we are?
Another possibility is that this is my personal ancestral fear, as my forebearers certainly had life hard. I'll have to interact with it a little more to get a clear read on it.
What I am really interested in is how to change this fear, or if that is even possible. It was so powerful, so strong, that I'm not even sure it can be done. In that case, I'll have to learn how to live with it without giving it any power over me.
Tonight, however, I suddenly felt the fear as part of something much, much larger. It almost felt as if the whole city was a part of the intensity of this fear. I had to stop walking several times and just let the fear run on past me. It almost felt like the ancestral flow. That's when I realized I was probably feeling the Jewish fear that no matter how good it gets, someone will come and destroy it all and take it away from us. I call this the Cossack fear, though it should probably be called the Tisha B'Av fear (that's the date of the destruction of the second temple).
It's the fear that we are going to be sitting in our village, and then, for no reason we can see, a bunch of cossacks come running through town destroying everything. How many times has this been repeated in our history: the expulsion from Spain, the holocaust, and now, the fear that Israel will fall. Does it happen because we don't know how to deal with this fear, and we remember all the times we were almost destroyed (or were destroyed) without knowing how to respond to the fear that comes with it? Or is it just a part of who we are?
Another possibility is that this is my personal ancestral fear, as my forebearers certainly had life hard. I'll have to interact with it a little more to get a clear read on it.
What I am really interested in is how to change this fear, or if that is even possible. It was so powerful, so strong, that I'm not even sure it can be done. In that case, I'll have to learn how to live with it without giving it any power over me.
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