Knowing the world versus knowing the person

In struggling with some personal issues, a friend of mine recently sought out two teachers who are known for their spiritual teachings. When asked about the difference, she told me that one listened to her issues and responded based on his knowledge of Jewish spirituality and his personal experience. The second listened to her, and responded to her particularly. He seemed to know her instantly and was able to talk about her issues as they related to her specifically. She said that both teachers gave her good advice, but one was based on prior knowledge and experience and the other was based on his knowledge and understanding of her personal situation. The second teacher was able to connect instantly with her and seemed to just "know" her.

I really liked the distinction - knowing the world versus knowing the person. Both are important but very different.

These are the things I know to be true

There are things that I believe to be true. There are things that I want to believe are true. But there are actually very few things that I have experienced and know to be true. I think only God knows the Truth with a capital "T", as we are limited by ourselves and our small perception. These are the things I know to be true:

There is a physical world and there is a spiritual world. There is that which can be seen and touched and measured, and that which we perceive but can’t see.

Far into the spiritual world is God.

All beings in this plane have a physical body and a spiritual one. The spiritual one, which is called soul, existed before the physical and continues after. There is a world of souls that exist in the spiritual realm.

There is no past or future, there is only now.

All memories connect us to patterns that happened before, some of which are carried into the now. We carry with us patterns from our physical lineage, from the family that raised us, and from our own spiritual lineage, from our soul. Life is the repetition or breaking of those patterns.

Healing is changing those patterns.

God is the ultimate way of changing the patterns. The closer to God we get, the slower the motion of the patterns become until, in the presence of God, they stop altogether and the soul becomes pure love. When the motion resumes, the patterns are changed, the healing has begun.

When a person is healed by another, they have to be willing to surrender to God.

Much of health and illness can be understood as the struggle of the soul to be aligned with physical body. There are times when the soul lifts out of the body and illness comes, and times when the soul is in alignment with the body and health abounds.

The soul and the body are always in an uneasy dynamic relationship. Sometimes they vibrate together in harmony, and sometimes they vibrate discordantly. The pre-natal patterns of the soul are sometimes in conflict with the post-natal patterns of the body and a person’s family lineage. There are times when the two work together in perfect alignment and there is health, and there are times when the soul is distant from the body and there is illness.

Each person has a power in this world. In Jewish tradition, this is the spark of God within each person. It’s the point where the soul and the body perfectly align, and God is able to flow through the person. Though one might think the body and soul would want this to happen, it seems to be the opposite. For most people, this is a difficult place to be. The soul doesn’t seem to want to be full present in the world, and the body doesn’t want to be pulled into the spiritual world. The power is generally uncomfortable for people and it takes great practice to allow it to happen.

The Long View

I've been starting to study Shaar HaGilgulim (The gates of reincarnation) by Hayyim Vital. I'll write more later on what I'm learning from the text itself but it's made me realize that I've started to take the long view in my life. I don't know if it's related to getting older, but things don't feel as rushed as they used to. I know that I have the rest of my life to work on my spiritual development. I can have רחמים compassion with myself if it takes awhile to happen. I know that growth takes place over many lifetimes, and all that I can see now is a small piece of a much, much larger picture. I can't stop working. I have to put as much effort into my growth as possible, but it's ok if things don't always go as planned.

One of my Hevrutas overslept a few days ago and we missed our study time. At first I was a little upset and annoyed, but then I realized that we've been studying together for two years and b"t we will be studying for another many years. If we miss this week, in the scope of things, it's not such a big deal. But only as long as we're made plans for next week and the week after.

There are so many stumbling blocks that lie in the path of our growth. It's important to know when we've hit them and how to move through them. But it's important not to let the yetzer harah, the impulse to self-destruction, use those stumbling blocks as an opportunity to beat us up and stop the growth.

The long view is a great motivator. It tells us that the problems we have in this life will be repeated in the next until we've worked them through. Or, more colloquially, same shit, different lifetime. I have no desire to go through these challenges again, so I know I have to work as hard as I can to grow so I don't subject myself to them again. At the same time, there will always be another chance to face these issues again. If I don't get it right the first time, there will be infinite second chances, which is both good and bad.

There is a Talmudic story about Honi the Circler who came upon a man planting a carob tree. Honi asked the man how long the tree would take to bear fruit? The man replied 70 years. Honi asked the man, Why do you plant a tree whose fruit you will never eat? The man said that he was planting it for the next generation, just as his father and grandfather had done for him. Honi walked away, suddenly felt very tired and lay down to sleep. He awoke to see the tree was now a giant and the same man picking the fruit. He asked the man if he was the one who had planted it? The man shook his head and replied that it was planted by his grandfather. Honi realized he had slept for 70 years.

Honi saw for himself that growth takes generations and lifetimes. Small seeds we plant now may grow into giant trees later on, though we won't, in our current incarnation, see them. We have to do the work so that we continue to grow. But we have to be patient to let things grow no matter how long they take.

Photo courtesy of Macropoulus

Intention counts too

Malachi 3:16

אז נדברו יראי יהוה איש את־רעהו ויקשב יהוה וישמע ויכתב ספר זכרון לפניו ליראי יהוה ולחשבי שמו׃

It was spoken between those who feared God, each man to his friend, and God paid attention and heard and it was written in the book of remembrance before him about those who feared God and those who thought of him.

In Masechet Berachot 6a in the Talmud we find a discussion of this biblical passage. The first part of the discussion uses this passage to demonstrate that each time two people meet to study Torah, the shechina is present. My experience is that the shechina is present whenever two souls truly connect, though studying the torah definitely makes it easier. This is a topic I wrote about earlier.

What follows is a wonderful lesson. Rav Ashi teaches that the last phrase "and those who thought of him" refers to those who thought about doing a mitzvah, but "were coerced and failed to do so". He continues that we learn from Malachi that God writes their deeds in the book of remembrance as if they had done the mitzvah. Later commentators teach that the coercion comes from the Yetzer Harah, the evil inclination, which always tells us to not do mitzvot. So even when we think of doing a mitzvah, we have to push through the additional layer of the yetzer harah in order to do it. If we don't always make it, we still get credit for trying.

What I love about this is the inherent forgiveness it implies. It's easy to beat oneself up for not doing things on a regular basis. I constantly hear people disparaging themselves for not meditating or praying or studying or working out or eating right, and sometimes using that as an way to keep themselves from doing it. Rav Ashi gives us another way a looking at it. We get credit for truly intending to do something that we just didn't manage to get done. Since the need for spiritual practice is the same everyday, we always get another chance to do it. We get credit for our intention, so we don't have to feel bad about not getting to it, and we get to try again tomorrow. It is our responsibility to try to be better, and if there are things that prevent us, even our own inclinations, we just have to try again with no punishment because we missed the time before. What a wonderful way of looking at things!

Wrestling Fear into Transformation

My hevruta Shmuel Shalom Hacohen teaches experiential Torah. It's often difficult to explain what that means, but our study this past week really made it clear to me. It's when studying Torah is not simply the intellectual process of trying to make sense of the text. It's when studying Torah makes sense of one's life. The process of making sense of the text is the process of making sense of one's own life and self. If that process links directly to one's heart, then the study becomes a healing ritual to connect one to God and break through klipot (barriers) and blockages.

The story we studied was Yaacov's first meeting with Esau after years of separation. Yaacov had a lot of fear about the meeting. He'd been told by God to return to the land of his birth, but that meant seeing his brother Esau.  The last time he saw Esau, Esau was swearing to kill him. In Genesis 32:10, Yaacov prays to God that his meeting will go well and expresses many of his fears. What follows is the wonderful story of his wrestling with an angel all night. A close reading of the text will show that this was a night of transformation for him, allowing him to move beyond his fear, beyond his image of himself, and transform the relationship between himself and Esau.

The story begins with Yaacov leaving his camp, at night, with his wives, handmaids, and children. He crosses over the מעבר יבק which literally translates as the "empty passage" or "the passage of desolation". He helps his family to cross a river, but remains behind alone. He is in the midst of his family, but isolated from them. When fear is in control, it separates us from those we love. His family has moved on in the journey, but he remains stuck in his own desolation.

He then struggles with a man until dawn. Another aspect of a person lost in fear is their anger with the world, especially when the fear is about one's personal safety. It doesn't matter who this man is (Gn 32:30), Yaacov would have found a way to fight with him. Had he not been lost in fear, he might have welcomed the man in to talk, but as is, he struggles and fights with him.

It becomes clear that they are evenly matched and so the man touches Yaacov's hip and dislocates it. The man then begs to be freed from the struggle as the dawn is approaching. Yaacov asks for a blessing in return. The man asks for his name. Yaacov, he replies. Yaacov יעקב derives from עקב ekev, or heel. He was named that way because when he was born, he was grasping the heel of his twin Esau. עקב ekev also means footstep. Yaacov had been following in his brother's footsteps his whole life.

The man changes his name to Israel, one who struggles because Yaacov struggled with God and with man and was up to the challenge. Israel, ישראל can also be interpreted as ישר אל straight to God. When the sun rises, he names the place Paniel for here was the place where he saw God face to face (Panim פנים).  On this night of struggle, after injuring himself, Yaacov was finally able to connect directly to God and was no longer trying to imitate his brother.

The result? "He raised his eyes and saw, and there was Esau coming with 400 men" (Gn 33:2). Esau was also clearly expecting a fight. But with his fear no longer in control, Yaacov could truly see Esau and understood that he no longer wanted a fight. By changing himself, Yaacov had changed Esau and their relationship. The work done on himself reflected into Esau and both were changed by Yaacov's night of struggle.

So when Yaacov approached him, he sent his wives and children first, not his fighting men. When the two brothers saw each other, they embraced and cried. Yaacov was truly Israel then - no longer following or fearing his brother, but able to stand as equals and truly love Esau.

This interpretation arose during our Hevruta study. When I was going over my notes later on, I suddenly realized that this was me. I am going to be in the states in a few months and will be seeing an old friend with whom I've had some problems over the past few years. I've been worried about the meeting and trying to figure out how we can avoid fighting. I realized I need to find out what I'm afraid of, experience it for myself, and allow that change to shift my relationship with my old friend. It feels as if most of the change has already happened as a result of this study. This is the essense of experiential Torah study.

Photo courtesy of Docman

Surrendering to the Bus Buzz

Photo by sicoactiva

I was waiting at the bus stop downtown yesterday needing to get home in a hurry. There are two buses that I can take: one which runs more frequently but takes longer, and one that runs less frequently and is much quicker. Just as I got the stop, the bus that takes longer pulled in. As I often do, I "vibed" the bus. Energetically, I placed the longer bus to my right and the quicker bus to my left. I shifted my attention between them and the quicker bus buzzed, so I chose not to get on the longer bus. After about two more minutes of waiting, the quicker bus pulled up and got me home without a problem.

I've been using this technique for a long time and find it very helpful. My interpretation is that I'm doing a small check in with the flow of the world to see where I should be at the moment. It's always important for me to remember that where I should be is not always where I want to be.

There are times when my buzz has been to take the longer bus which got stuck in a bad traffic jam. As I'm sitting there grumbling to myself, I have to remember that there is some reason that I'm on this bus and not the other. Sometimes it's a reason I can see: when I get off the bus I bump into a friend who I haven't seen for awhile. Sometimes it's for a reason I can't see: so I didn't run into the friend who really isn't good for me. And sometimes, it feels like the reason is that I'm being reminded to trust my reasoning, and not place blind faith in this  energetic trick.

There are times when I feel like my life is just going with the flow of the world. The things I desire for myself seem to be in concert with my place in the world. And there are times when I'm far from the flow, nothing seems to be going smoothly or well, and I need to do something to get back with God. I know that there are certain activities the usually get me back into alignment, though I sometimes have to go through several different ones before I feel fully aligned. Everyone is different, so it's important to know for yourself what brings you back in alignment.

Being close to God involves a great deal of surrender without collapse. When one is aligned, one's desires match those of Gods, and the movement is akin to swimming with the current. But there are occasions when the messages we receive do not match up with our own conclusions, and these often make me hesitate. If I know that my energy is aligned with the world's, then I trust that the message is correct. But if my energy has been "off" then it's hard to know what to do.

This is especially true when receiving messages through others. I know people who see into the spiritual world very clearly. I always an tempted to just call them for the answer rather than trying to work it out for myself. The danger is that I am receiving a message through someone else's eyes. I don't know if they are aligned with the world when they are giving me the message, and depending on my own alignment, I can wildly misinterpret the message even if it is correct.

This is why it's important to know for yourself how you connect to God and what makes the connection more powerful. When you are connected, your impulses and the flow of the world will be the same.

One of my favorite biblical passages can be found in Ecclesiastes 7:14: When times are good be happy, but when times are bad, reflect. In this instance, one can read that as when one is connected, be happy, but when one is not, reflect and reconnect.

Joel 2:13 - Tearing one's heart

In Joel 2:13 it reads:

יב וְגַם-עַתָּה, נְאֻם-יְהוָה, שֻׁבוּ עָדַי, בְּכָל-לְבַבְכֶם; וּבְצוֹם וּבִבְכִי, וּבְמִסְפֵּד.	12 Yet even now, saith the LORD, turn ye unto Me with all your heart, and with fasting, and with weeping, and with lamentation;
יג וְקִרְעוּ לְבַבְכֶם וְאַל-בִּגְדֵיכֶם, וְשׁוּבוּ אֶל-יְהוָה אֱלֹהֵיכֶם: כִּי-חַנּוּן וְרַחוּם, הוּא--אֶרֶךְ אַפַּיִם וְרַב-חֶסֶד, וְנִחָם עַל-הָרָעָה.	13 And rend your heart, and not your garments, and turn unto the LORD your God; for He is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abundant in mercy, and repenteth Him of the evil.

In the midst of reading Joel, I was struck by the above passage. Joel begins with an apocalyptic vision of the destruction of Israel followed by a call to repentance, after which there will be an abundance in Israel.

Two things struck me from this passage, the first is that he asks us to rend our hearts and not our clothes. When we are doing true repentance and change, it must come from the inside, not the outside. It's no good changing our external appearance - we can fast, we can weep, we can say the right things, but only when our hearts are torn in two can we really change.

Later, we learn our rewards for change in Joel 3:1:

א וְהָיָה אַחֲרֵי-כֵן, אֶשְׁפּוֹךְ אֶת-רוּחִי עַל-כָּל-בָּשָׂר, וְנִבְּאוּ, בְּנֵיכֶם וּבְנוֹתֵיכֶם; זִקְנֵיכֶם, חֲלֹמוֹת יַחֲלֹמוּן--בַּחוּרֵיכֶם, חֶזְיֹנוֹת יִרְאוּ.	1 And it shall come to pass afterward, that I will pour out My spirit upon all flesh; and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, your old men shall dream dreams, your young men shall see visions;

The result of all of this soul-searching and heart rending is prophesy and being filled with רוח הקודש (the wind/spirit of God). One could read this in reverse and learn that if one is searching for direct spiritual connection, one must start with repentance and do תשובה (Tsuvah - returning) from the heart.

In my mind, this is a very simple thought, but I think it's a very important one. It's a nice summary of the Jewish approach to building spirituality. The first step is to make oneself as pure as possible, then one is able to connect to the spirit world.

[The translations are from http://www.mechon-mamre.org/p/pt/pt1403.htm]

The tensions that move us forward

I've been thinking more about the Ba'al Shem Tov's tips for perpetual growth - sowing tears and harvesting joy (though he really just focuses on the tears). I have been taught that one of the differences between Judaism and many eastern religions is that in Judaism there is no concept of becoming enlightened. In Judaism, there is a dynamic tension created between the world as it is and the world as it could be. We are always trying to find ways to do tikkun in the world, and, more importantly, on ourselves. The Ba'al Shem Tov is outlining one of the methods for using that tension to continue to grow.

(As a side note, the goal of all of this tikkun is to repair the world so that the messiah can come. My personal feeling is that when the messiah gets here, no one will notice. We will bring about the messianic age bit by bit and tear by tear. We repair the world slowly, as we repair ourselves gradually. There will be no huge event when the messiah comes, no great jump forward, he will just show up and, God willing, be like everyone else. The messiah is not a person who will come to save us, we will save ourselves and thus bring the messiah to us.)

I have been spending some time looking at my life and seeing the tensions that drive me forward. I am old enough to start seeing patterns in my behavior and to see that many issues in my life return after I thought I had dealt with them. I have changed my focus now in how I follow the patterns of my life. What I am looking for now is the tensions that create those issues. A clear example is my marriage. I can see the differences between my wife and I that create friction, but they also drive us to deepen and strengthen our relationship. Though the will probably never be resolved, they push us both forward to become better people.

I would suggest to everyone to take a moment and consider the recurrent issues in your lives, and then examine the tensions that create those issues. Are there tensions that create growth? Are there tensions that create self-destructive behavior? Are there tensions in which you get to choose a nourishing or a destructive path? The next step is to strengthen the tensions that force us to grow, and get out of the destructive ones. The goal is not to become enlightened, but to meet the tensions with wisdom and grow from them. To give power to those things which help us to do Tikkun, and take the power away from those things that lead us to Yetzer ha-Rah (evil inclination).

Praising the growing, not the growth

From the Sefer Ba'al Shem Tov , Mishpatim 16.
Below is my translation and then my interpretation.

It is based on Psalm 126:

(1) A Song of ascents.
When the lord restores the fortunes of Zion
--We see it as a dream --
(2) our mouths shall be filled with laughter,
our tongues, with songs of joy.
Then shall they say among the nations,
"The Lord has done great things for them!"
(3) The Lord will do great things for us,
and we shall rejoice

(4) Restore our fortunes, O Lord,
Like waterways in the Negev.
(5) They who sow in tears
Shall reap with songs of joy.
(6) though he goes along weeping,
carrying the seed bag (or spreading the seeds he carries),
he shall come back with songs of joy,
carrying his sheaves.

The Ba'al Shem Tov teaches:

If he walks from [spiritual] step to [spiritual] step and desires to achieve more, he is really like the Ayn Sof (without end - a name of God) in that there is no end to his potential. Thus is the man who has the attribute to obtain the stream that comes from Ayn Sof.

But the man who says I have enough in what I can learn. This is not success only straw and hay which are klipot (shells - spiritual blocks).

And the explanation of the verse: "(6) though he goes along weeping" is that it says that if he wants to walk from [spiritual] step to [spiritual] step then all that he has obtained is already not enough for him. This is the "carrying/spreading the seed bag," that Ayn Sof has given him.

Thus someone who says "He shall come back", as if he has already been to top of the steps, and he is in "joy" all the time. And who says my soul is at peace because he has learned a lot of Torah, and doesn't need any more. This is "carrying his sheaves", and they are nothing but straw and hay.


My interpretation is more cyclic. You need to keep walking, keep searching for knowledge. Keep spreading and sowing seeds to rise up from step to step. Otherwise, in the passage of time, you will be left with only the fruits of the harvest - straw and hay. Because if you stop planting, the straw and hay will soon be used up or be blown away. And you will be left with nothing.

The cycle is sown with tears and harvested with joy. To grow, we need to look to our tears. To find the frustrations and short-comings in our learning and practice so we can grow. If not, we will soon find ourselves surrounded with only dead straw, with no young plants to nourish us in the future.

When a person is always happy, he is not moving forward. Each challenge in life follows this cycle: we get frustrated with ourselves about something so we work hard to grow in the area. At some point, something happens to make us realize how much we have grown and find we are no longer frustrated in the same way. A wise person meets their problems with wisdom and grows. A fool doesn't engage in their problems and doesn't grow. A wise person welcomes the cycle of tears and joy, but looks for the tears always knowing that there is further to go.

I am reminded of an article on how to praise children by Carol Dweck. She would say that one should praise oneself and others for the process of growing, for the tears, rather than for the accomplishment, the joy. I think the Ba'al Shem Tov would subscribe to her philosophy - he praises us in the teaching above for always striving to be better, not for the success in having grown.