19 As face answers to face in water, so does one man's heart to another. (JPS Translation)
19. As the water of the face is to the face, thus the heart of man is to a man. (My translation)
It is written that The Ba'al Shem Tov (BSh'T) said:
"When a man stands by the water, he sees his shadow large upon the water. But when a man lowers himself down, the shadow is made smaller. And the more he lowers himself, the more his shadow becomes smaller and smaller until his face upon the water. At that point, the face of his shadow meets the face of the man.The BSh'T takes the traditional idea of others reflecting ourselves to a new level. The water becomes the canvas for our shadow, which is only an image of ourselves. When we touch the water, then we encounter our true selves, but to do so requires us to be humble and small. So too with our friends: when we are humble then we can lower ourselves down to the level of real connection with our friends. If we are prideful, then we can expect that from our friends, or if we are hateful, or devious, or any of the myriad of negative emotions. But if we are humble and loving, then we will get that in return from those around us. Implicit in all this is the idea that we can only find our true selves while we are in relation to others.
Thus it is with the heart of a man to a man. When a man thinks of himself as great, his friend also thinks of himself as great. But when a man humbles himself before his friend, then his friend will also humble himself until there is nothing but humility between them. And between them is an equality and an equilibrium and by this means they becomes friends who never part."
- Sefer Ba'al Shem Tov, Ki Tessa 15
The question arose in Beit Midrash about what happens when we become small, and our friends respond by become big. An easy example is when two people meet and one is quiet and the other talks a lot. The talker may like talking or he may be talking more to fill the space created by the silence. In this case, there is no equilibrium, no equal balance, and the relationship has changed to one of a different sort.
My first response was to think that they are no longer truly relating to each other. That the relationship has shifted from one of friendship to one of dominance. This is more of an I-it relationship where one person is treating the second as an "other" and not as a full person. Going back to the earlier interpretation of the text, the face of both people become obscured, with neither person showing their true face, as their interactions are determined by their role in the dynamic and not by who they really are.
The BSh'T is challenging us to rise above this dynamic and, with humility, to transcend it. If both people are humble, then neither sees themselves as better than the other, and both are free to show their true selves, no longer allowing the relationship to define them, but to let their own true selves define the relationship instead.
When I thought further on this, I realized that in all relationships, there are times when one person has a larger role in the relationship that the other, or when one person is leading more and the other following. This is a natural part of any relationship. So there is a quality to the relationship that the BSh'T is referring to that is not necessarily about dominance, but about the times when the people are no longer relating to each other, when they are seeing the shadows of each other, and not the actual person in front of them.
A modern psychologist, John Gottman wrote that the thing that really determines when a relationship will fall apart is contempt - when one person loses respect for the other and no longer takes them seriously. My own experience with this is that a person starts to treat the person as an image, not as the person themselves. They listen to what the other person says, but hear something completely different. They've taken their face out of the water and can only see shadows.
This discussion reminds me of good teachers, those that are able to really engage their students without arrogance. They listen to what each students says with a serious ear, and welcome the students contributions without judgment. Just because they are more knowledgeable than the students doesn't mean that the students have nothing to offer and I'm always impressed to hear teachers thank their students for new insights on material the teacher has been studying for years. Their humility allows them to bring out the true face of their students. My mentor John once told me that he never wants to teach someone to become a clone of him, he wants to teach people how to be themselves, only more so. I think that embodies the ideas I'm talking about.
The BSh'T elevated the idea of seeing one's reflection in another person to a moral imperative. He challenges us to be so humble that we are able to truly connect to other people, and our humility induces humility in the other person until we are each able to show who we really are, and in that way elevate the world to a higher level.
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