I just returned from the rebbe's on this Purim eve and several things struck me about the experience. The table was reversed from it's usual position, so the rebbe sat at what is normally the foot. There was a lot of alcohol and wine being drunk. Most of the people there were drunk by the time I got there at 9:30 pm. And the spirits in the room were not at all who I expected.
Purim is a holiday where most people dress up, though most of the hasids were not. I always assumed is was very different from Halloween as there are none of the scary costumes or traditions. Halloween is a night the dead return and we dress up so they don't recognize us. Purim has always been light and frivolous: we dress up to have fun.
But when I got there, the spirits in the room were dancing about, and when I finally connected to the strongest one, it felt like Loki, the Norse god of mischief, or Dionysus, the Greek god of wine. It struck me that Purim is a holiday that pre-dates Judaism, and we adapted it to fit one of our stories, though poorly. I need to learn from where in the story the costume and drinking is derived, as it doesn't seem a natural extension of the story. As I stayed longer, I could see that this dark energy was just another manifestation of God, but I do not understand why we devote a holiday to it. It has never been my way, but I guess it's important to acknowledge all the aspects of God, even the ones that don't speak to us personally.
As I walked home, I wondered why there was not more violence or mischief on Purim, but I'll have to think on that.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Looking for Jewish Koans
Text study is the koan study of Judaism. Koan study is a part of Zen Buddhism which involves long hours of meditation over paradoxical statements. At some point, the student has a moment of insight and gives the teacher the answer to the Koan. Jews spend long hours in a room filled with books pouring over texts looking for contradictions, and then trying to work on the text some more until the contradiction is resolved. Usually this involves either a deeper reading of the text which may reveal how the seeming contradiction isn’t really a contradiction, or bringing in a midrash or other idea that is not in the text to propose a solution.
Text koan study leads to two things: really, really good critical thinking and/or mystical insight. The former is the result of really close text study and learning to link other pieces of the texts together to form a solution. The second is when there is no solution and after thinking hard on the text, a flash of insight comes that explains the contradiction. Sometimes, when one has the answer, one can go back and find the proof in the text. Sometimes there is no proof, just the insight.
My experience of studying the texts is more the later, the flashes of insight. What seems unusual to me about it is that I often feel the presence of a soul or tzaddik guiding me through the text. When I studied about Jacob and the rape of Dina, Jacob came to me and explained the story to me. I didn’t find the textual proof for what he told me, but it sure made sense.
A shaman is a person who interacts with the spirit world for healing. I have spent the last eight years of my life learning about how to do that and it led me back into Judaism. I’ve just begun my text koan study, and I want to write about the shamanic in Judaism. I see a lot of similarities between my shamanic study and what I am learning in Judaism, and I think the shamanic way of looking at things can help to explain a lot of what it often puzzling to me in Judaism. I don’t know where this will lead me, or why I’ve been led on this path, but I hope that writing about it will give me insight into my studies and maybe help you understand both shamanism and Judaism a little better.
I am also going to see if I can come up with some Jewish Koans. Things like: God is everything. God is Ayn Sof, without limit, so God can not have any boundaries, but as soon as God is everything in the world, there are lots of boundaries and limits. So God is both everything and not-everything.
Mull that one over for awhile.
Text koan study leads to two things: really, really good critical thinking and/or mystical insight. The former is the result of really close text study and learning to link other pieces of the texts together to form a solution. The second is when there is no solution and after thinking hard on the text, a flash of insight comes that explains the contradiction. Sometimes, when one has the answer, one can go back and find the proof in the text. Sometimes there is no proof, just the insight.
My experience of studying the texts is more the later, the flashes of insight. What seems unusual to me about it is that I often feel the presence of a soul or tzaddik guiding me through the text. When I studied about Jacob and the rape of Dina, Jacob came to me and explained the story to me. I didn’t find the textual proof for what he told me, but it sure made sense.
A shaman is a person who interacts with the spirit world for healing. I have spent the last eight years of my life learning about how to do that and it led me back into Judaism. I’ve just begun my text koan study, and I want to write about the shamanic in Judaism. I see a lot of similarities between my shamanic study and what I am learning in Judaism, and I think the shamanic way of looking at things can help to explain a lot of what it often puzzling to me in Judaism. I don’t know where this will lead me, or why I’ve been led on this path, but I hope that writing about it will give me insight into my studies and maybe help you understand both shamanism and Judaism a little better.
I am also going to see if I can come up with some Jewish Koans. Things like: God is everything. God is Ayn Sof, without limit, so God can not have any boundaries, but as soon as God is everything in the world, there are lots of boundaries and limits. So God is both everything and not-everything.
Mull that one over for awhile.
Wisdom from the Baal Shem Tov
For years, when someone would ask me what was shamanic healing, my stock answer was that there are two worlds, the physical and the spiritual. Shamanic healing is making a direct change in the spiritual world that is then reflected in the physical world. One type of shaman is a person who has power in the spiritual world and is able to actually make changes there. There are others who are able to perceive the spiritual world or travel there. But for me, the important part was always the ability to be able to make the change.
I was at service a few weeks ago, and the man leading the minyan quoted this text about the ba'al shem Tov (the founder of Hasidism):
I was at service a few weeks ago, and the man leading the minyan quoted this text about the ba'al shem Tov (the founder of Hasidism):
רפואת הבעל שם טוב נשמתי בגנזי מרומים היה רק על ידי יחודים, שהיה מייחד ומעלה השכינה אל מדת אין. וממילא נתתקן למטה גם כן
-מאור עינים פרשת נשא
Roughly translated it means: The essence of the healing of the Baal Shem Tov was only by means of yichudim (unifications), in which he unified and raised the shechina to the level of Ain (God), and in truth, that would repair down below (in this world) as well.
That sounds remarkably like my conception of what I try to do. The challenge now is to learn the yichudim so I can really understand what he did.
That sounds remarkably like my conception of what I try to do. The challenge now is to learn the yichudim so I can really understand what he did.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Akeda in the desert
There is a very interesting passage in last week's Torah portion that reads:
Shemot 4:24-26
The context of the story is that Moshe has just seen the burning bush and is headed off back to Eygpt to lead the people to freedom. The chronology of the chapter goes like this: Moshe encounters God in the burning bush and receives instructions on how to lead the people out of slavery and prove that he speaks for God (sign and wonders). Moshe leaves his father in law Jethro with his wife Zipporah and his two sons, then receives further instructions about what to say to Pharoah, and then we have the puzzling passage above.
At Morgenstern's last night, I meditated on the passage and Zipporah came to me and showed me her perspective on the events. I will do my best to recount what she showed me.
Moshe came to stay with Jethro and married her. He began then to study with Jethro, who was a priest and taught Moshe about how to connect to God. He could see in Moshe great potential, which was limited by his view on himself. He saw himself as never one to win arguments with his mouth. As he said to God (Shemot 4:10) "I am not a man of words... I am heavy of mouth and heavy of speech." But he was always good with his fists and was an imposing physical figure.
But when Moshe came down from the mountain one day and spoke of a burning bush, something within him had changed. It was obvious that he had had an intense spiritual experience, and he shown with an inner light. He talked it over with Jethro, who advised him to follow the vision. They packed up their two young sons and belongings and headed off for Egypt. During the journey, the presence of God came to him again, and it was there that Zipporah saw that what he was experiencing was far beyond anything she had seem in her father's house. She could feel it as it came within him and surrounded him.
But there was something else that it was asking him to do that he was refusing to do and refusing to talk about. The presence left him and it took something out of him as it went. He fell sick. They were near a town, so they stopped. She sought out the local healers, most of whom were charlatans and Zipporah knew enough to stay away from them - growing up in the house of a priest has it's benefits. She finally found one who was genuine. He came to Moses and quickly said that there was nothing he could do - it was far beyond his power.
That night, Moshe awoke from his fever and said that the lord was asking him to sacrifice his eldest son Gershom. It was then that Zipporah understood what she had to do. Moshe had refused the order of God and was sick or dying for it. Zipporah needed a ritual of such power as to appease God and sway the decree. She performed the circumcision, touched Moshe's feet with the foreskin and released Moshe from this decree.
That's more or less the story she showed me. I was impressed with what a strong woman she was. Being able to perform such a powerful ritual on her own son must have required immense courage. She had felt the power of God and knew what she was trying to influence, and she did it anyway. Perhaps there should be a book like the Red Tent about her and her perspective on the Exodus.
Shemot 4:24-26
The context of the story is that Moshe has just seen the burning bush and is headed off back to Eygpt to lead the people to freedom. The chronology of the chapter goes like this: Moshe encounters God in the burning bush and receives instructions on how to lead the people out of slavery and prove that he speaks for God (sign and wonders). Moshe leaves his father in law Jethro with his wife Zipporah and his two sons, then receives further instructions about what to say to Pharoah, and then we have the puzzling passage above.
At Morgenstern's last night, I meditated on the passage and Zipporah came to me and showed me her perspective on the events. I will do my best to recount what she showed me.
Moshe came to stay with Jethro and married her. He began then to study with Jethro, who was a priest and taught Moshe about how to connect to God. He could see in Moshe great potential, which was limited by his view on himself. He saw himself as never one to win arguments with his mouth. As he said to God (Shemot 4:10) "I am not a man of words... I am heavy of mouth and heavy of speech." But he was always good with his fists and was an imposing physical figure.
But when Moshe came down from the mountain one day and spoke of a burning bush, something within him had changed. It was obvious that he had had an intense spiritual experience, and he shown with an inner light. He talked it over with Jethro, who advised him to follow the vision. They packed up their two young sons and belongings and headed off for Egypt. During the journey, the presence of God came to him again, and it was there that Zipporah saw that what he was experiencing was far beyond anything she had seem in her father's house. She could feel it as it came within him and surrounded him.
But there was something else that it was asking him to do that he was refusing to do and refusing to talk about. The presence left him and it took something out of him as it went. He fell sick. They were near a town, so they stopped. She sought out the local healers, most of whom were charlatans and Zipporah knew enough to stay away from them - growing up in the house of a priest has it's benefits. She finally found one who was genuine. He came to Moses and quickly said that there was nothing he could do - it was far beyond his power.
That night, Moshe awoke from his fever and said that the lord was asking him to sacrifice his eldest son Gershom. It was then that Zipporah understood what she had to do. Moshe had refused the order of God and was sick or dying for it. Zipporah needed a ritual of such power as to appease God and sway the decree. She performed the circumcision, touched Moshe's feet with the foreskin and released Moshe from this decree.
That's more or less the story she showed me. I was impressed with what a strong woman she was. Being able to perform such a powerful ritual on her own son must have required immense courage. She had felt the power of God and knew what she was trying to influence, and she did it anyway. Perhaps there should be a book like the Red Tent about her and her perspective on the Exodus.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Barchot 18b - the wrong motivation
We just studied a Talmudic story in Berachot 18b. The general question that was asked to which the story is an answer is if the dead know what the living are doing. Here is an English translation from Come-and-Here.com (This is a christian site that, according to one of the Jewish sites, is not really very kind towards Jews, but they have a good translation on line.):
Come and hear: The father of Samuel had some money belonging to orphans deposited with him. When he died, Samuel was not with him, and they called him, 'The son who consumes the money of orphans'. So he went after his father to the cemetery, and said to them [the dead]. I am looking for Abba.23 They said to him: There are many Abbas here. I want Abba b. Abba, he said. They replied: There are also several Abbas b. Abba here. He then said to them: I Want Abba b. Abba the father of Samuel; where is he? They replied: He has gone up to the Academy of the Sky.24 Meanwhile he saw Levi sitting outside.25 He said to him: Why are you sitting outside? Why have you not gone up [to heaven]? He replied: Because they said to me: For as many years as you did not go up to the academy of R. Efes and hurt his feelings,26 we will not let you go up to the Academy of the Sky. Meanwhile his father came. Samuel observed that he was both weeping and laughing. He said to him: Why are you weeping? He replied: Because you are coming here soon. And why are you laughing? Because you are highly esteemed in this world. He thereupon said to him: If I am esteemed, let them take up Levi; and they did take up Levi. He then said to him: Where is the money of the orphans? He replied: Go and you will find it in the case of the millstones. The money at the top and the bottom is mine, that in the middle is the orphans' He said to him: Why did you do like that? He replied: So that if thieves came, they should take mine, and if the earth destroyed any, it should destroy mine. Does not this27 show that they know? — Perhaps Samuel was exceptional: as he was esteemed, they proclaimed beforehand, Make way [for him]!
There are many possible explanations and issues with this story. I wanted to touch on a shamanic aspect that struck me. The story starts with money given to Samuel's father that is charity for orphans. His father dies and no one knows where the money went, so people start saying that Samuel must have taken (eaten) it. So Samuel goes to ask his father where the money is.
When Samuel goes looking for his father, the translation here is "So he went after his father to the cemetery..." The word in the Talmud for cemetery is "חצר מות" which means garden/yard/court of the dead. This can refer to a cemetery or it could refer to some sort of place where the dead hold court. I have to get a concordance and look up other places where the word occurs. In any case, he is using a technique to enter into the spirit world.
When he gets there, the souls give him a hard time about finding his father. The question arises as to why this is so. Usually, when looking for the soul of a loved one, it's not that hard, especially when someone is recently dead. So why the difficulty? In reading further, the souls do tell him where to find his father, but he still doesn't meet his father until after meeting with Levi. Levi was a friend of Samuel's in life, but was denied entrance into the heavenly beit midrash (academy) due to a slight of another teacher.
At that point, Samuel's father comes to him both laughing and crying. Crying because Samuel will soon join him and laughing because Samuel is so important. Samuel than uses his importance to get Levi into the heavenly beit midrash. His father then tells him where the money for the orphans was hidden.
My thinking is that Samuel could not find his father due to his motivation. His initial impetus for seeking his father is that people are slandering his reputation, saying that he stole the charity money for the orphans. Spiritual work is not done for personal gain. That might be a by-product, but it's not the goal. Samuel was seeking to clear his name at first, not to give charity. When he met Levi, he was presented with an opportunity to do for others. Samuel gains nothing by asking for the inclusion of Levi, but redeems himself by doing good for others. Only then is he worthy of finding out where the money is and redeeming his name. When it is clear that he is looking for the money to give it to charity and not just for his own benefit.
Come and hear: The father of Samuel had some money belonging to orphans deposited with him. When he died, Samuel was not with him, and they called him, 'The son who consumes the money of orphans'. So he went after his father to the cemetery, and said to them [the dead]. I am looking for Abba.23 They said to him: There are many Abbas here. I want Abba b. Abba, he said. They replied: There are also several Abbas b. Abba here. He then said to them: I Want Abba b. Abba the father of Samuel; where is he? They replied: He has gone up to the Academy of the Sky.24 Meanwhile he saw Levi sitting outside.25 He said to him: Why are you sitting outside? Why have you not gone up [to heaven]? He replied: Because they said to me: For as many years as you did not go up to the academy of R. Efes and hurt his feelings,26 we will not let you go up to the Academy of the Sky. Meanwhile his father came. Samuel observed that he was both weeping and laughing. He said to him: Why are you weeping? He replied: Because you are coming here soon. And why are you laughing? Because you are highly esteemed in this world. He thereupon said to him: If I am esteemed, let them take up Levi; and they did take up Levi. He then said to him: Where is the money of the orphans? He replied: Go and you will find it in the case of the millstones. The money at the top and the bottom is mine, that in the middle is the orphans' He said to him: Why did you do like that? He replied: So that if thieves came, they should take mine, and if the earth destroyed any, it should destroy mine. Does not this27 show that they know? — Perhaps Samuel was exceptional: as he was esteemed, they proclaimed beforehand, Make way [for him]!
There are many possible explanations and issues with this story. I wanted to touch on a shamanic aspect that struck me. The story starts with money given to Samuel's father that is charity for orphans. His father dies and no one knows where the money went, so people start saying that Samuel must have taken (eaten) it. So Samuel goes to ask his father where the money is.
When Samuel goes looking for his father, the translation here is "So he went after his father to the cemetery..." The word in the Talmud for cemetery is "חצר מות" which means garden/yard/court of the dead. This can refer to a cemetery or it could refer to some sort of place where the dead hold court. I have to get a concordance and look up other places where the word occurs. In any case, he is using a technique to enter into the spirit world.
When he gets there, the souls give him a hard time about finding his father. The question arises as to why this is so. Usually, when looking for the soul of a loved one, it's not that hard, especially when someone is recently dead. So why the difficulty? In reading further, the souls do tell him where to find his father, but he still doesn't meet his father until after meeting with Levi. Levi was a friend of Samuel's in life, but was denied entrance into the heavenly beit midrash (academy) due to a slight of another teacher.
At that point, Samuel's father comes to him both laughing and crying. Crying because Samuel will soon join him and laughing because Samuel is so important. Samuel than uses his importance to get Levi into the heavenly beit midrash. His father then tells him where the money for the orphans was hidden.
My thinking is that Samuel could not find his father due to his motivation. His initial impetus for seeking his father is that people are slandering his reputation, saying that he stole the charity money for the orphans. Spiritual work is not done for personal gain. That might be a by-product, but it's not the goal. Samuel was seeking to clear his name at first, not to give charity. When he met Levi, he was presented with an opportunity to do for others. Samuel gains nothing by asking for the inclusion of Levi, but redeems himself by doing good for others. Only then is he worthy of finding out where the money is and redeeming his name. When it is clear that he is looking for the money to give it to charity and not just for his own benefit.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Cleaning out the basement
I went to Morgenstern's last week. I got there early and the rebbe had not arrived yet, so people were sitting around talking or studying. I found a place at the table and next to me was a copy of Likutei Moharan, the teaching of Reb Nachman of Bretslev. I opened up to a page at random and scanned my fingers over the text to feel what text I was supposed to read. I landed on a passage about how a person's love for God is through the heart and the love is connected to Ayn Sof (a name for God meaning "without end"). The passage continues that a person must constrict one's heart slightly to make room in it to do God's work. Much as God needed to constrict himself to leave room for the created within him. To me, I realized that the love that is in my heart is Ayn Sof, without end.
When the rebbe came in, I sang the nigunim and fell into the half-trance of the place. I was with Reb Nachman in the woods. He was screaming to God and I was with him. When he began to speak, it intensified. Nachman led me to my spiritual beit midrash, but instead of going through the entrance, we went into the basement. I didn't even know there was a basement. The way in was through a small pipe. I squeezed through and found myself in a dark room where the darkness was almost palatable. There were many small tables, and across each, two people were studying. But the entire place was studying. Nachman was nowhere to be seen.
I walked through the room until I came to one table which seemed to have more light than the others. I understood that I was supposed to study with them. I sat down, but they did not want me there. One of them finally got up so we could study. I asked what book, but got a stern look back and finger to lip told me to be quiet. The eyes were what stood out for me: small, beady, and full of rage. He stared at me and handed me a book. I opened it and saw the letter kuf (ק) drawn large in the center of the page, and surrounding it were words made from small black, fiery letters. The only word I could read was Kadosh, holy.
I tried to match his intensity, but couldn't. Every time I tried to speak, he told me to be quiet. I didn't know what to do. So I finally tried to connect to him with love. I reached out my heart and felt like I was going through many layers of heavy, worn-out clothing. As I was doing this, I noticed that many of the others in the basement had stopped studying and were gathering silently around our table.
I finally reached inside of him, and found a beautiful light that came forth from him. I felt my keter (crown) open and a tunnel open above me that leads up to the higher worlds. His bright soul left and went up the tunnel. As soon as he was gone, another sat in his place and wanted the same thing. The second was much easier, and soon they were all shedding their clothing and going upward. I had the sense that they were trapped tzaddikim and I was letting them go to do their work. As the last ones went upward, I felt myself carried upward with them.
I went up the tunnel to the cloud realm - a place I've been before and there was Nachman. When he turned, across him body was the letter Kuf (ק). The top of the letter went across his shoulders and the rest was drawn down his torso, with the long line down dropping to his legs. He came to me, embraced me, and I was back in the room with Morgenstern.
When the rebbe came in, I sang the nigunim and fell into the half-trance of the place. I was with Reb Nachman in the woods. He was screaming to God and I was with him. When he began to speak, it intensified. Nachman led me to my spiritual beit midrash, but instead of going through the entrance, we went into the basement. I didn't even know there was a basement. The way in was through a small pipe. I squeezed through and found myself in a dark room where the darkness was almost palatable. There were many small tables, and across each, two people were studying. But the entire place was studying. Nachman was nowhere to be seen.
I walked through the room until I came to one table which seemed to have more light than the others. I understood that I was supposed to study with them. I sat down, but they did not want me there. One of them finally got up so we could study. I asked what book, but got a stern look back and finger to lip told me to be quiet. The eyes were what stood out for me: small, beady, and full of rage. He stared at me and handed me a book. I opened it and saw the letter kuf (ק) drawn large in the center of the page, and surrounding it were words made from small black, fiery letters. The only word I could read was Kadosh, holy.
I tried to match his intensity, but couldn't. Every time I tried to speak, he told me to be quiet. I didn't know what to do. So I finally tried to connect to him with love. I reached out my heart and felt like I was going through many layers of heavy, worn-out clothing. As I was doing this, I noticed that many of the others in the basement had stopped studying and were gathering silently around our table.
I finally reached inside of him, and found a beautiful light that came forth from him. I felt my keter (crown) open and a tunnel open above me that leads up to the higher worlds. His bright soul left and went up the tunnel. As soon as he was gone, another sat in his place and wanted the same thing. The second was much easier, and soon they were all shedding their clothing and going upward. I had the sense that they were trapped tzaddikim and I was letting them go to do their work. As the last ones went upward, I felt myself carried upward with them.
I went up the tunnel to the cloud realm - a place I've been before and there was Nachman. When he turned, across him body was the letter Kuf (ק). The top of the letter went across his shoulders and the rest was drawn down his torso, with the long line down dropping to his legs. He came to me, embraced me, and I was back in the room with Morgenstern.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
a line of light
Tonight I went to Morgenstern's and had a very interesting and intense experience. I have started to take a class with him on Wednesday nights on Hayyim Vital's Otzarot Hayyim. I've only gone to two classes so far, but it's very interesting. The class is supposed to be in English, but I think only 50% or less in actually in English. The rest is in either Yiddish or Heavily Yiddish accented Hebrew. Many of the words he uses have multiple meanings, or they are used to refer to concepts (which I only sometimes know) so it's been very challenging to follow what he's saying.
I've been studying the book on my own before class and reading all the commentaries in the edition I own, so I think I'm keeping up! Fortunately, I live in the 21st century and all the classes are digitally recorded as MP3's. In the next week or so, the classes will be posted on a website and I can listen to them again to make sure I'm understanding what he's saying.
The first lines of the book (we've only covered two or three paragraphs so far) is about the creation of the world. God, who is called אור אין סוף (ohr ayn-sof) or light without end, created the world by a process of contraction. In the middle of the light, God contracted himself and created a ball of חלול (meaning both hollow space and desecration against God). Into this ball, God inserted a קו (straight line of light) or צינור (pipe) and filled the ball with his light. Thus all of the worlds were created.
The rebbe interpreted this to mean that outside of the ball, there are no borders, but within the ball there are. There is a division between inside and outside that is still a border, and the pipe is also a border, but within the pipe, it's still light ayn-sof. If there were no borders, the world would return to pre-contraction state. But this pipe remains open so God can send his light into the world. How an infinite light can exist in a finite pipe is a good Koan.
When I first read the book, I wrote in the margins: This is just like a shamanic tunnel. Shamans always talk about going through a tunnel to get to the spirit world, and we have a tunnel that lead to God. Thus, if one can access this pipe, one can use it as a shamanic portal into the spirit world.
Tonight, at the Rebbe's Tish, I was flowing with the energy of the room and as he began to talk, I found myself wondering about this pipe. And, as happens with these things, the picture of the pipe in the book came to me. As I focused on the pipe within the circle, there it was in front of me. I went towards it, and as I looked up it's length, it twisted and turned. I kept moving forward through the wall of the pipe and was inside it. It was like nothing I've felt before. I felt like I was completely immersed in a heavy liquid, but felt no pressure anywhere. When I looked up, I could see the pipe going straight above me to Ayn-Sof. And then there was no up or down anymore.
The light in the pipe was moving, but it felt very random until I realized that I no longer had any sense of directionality. There was no up or down or left or right. Everything was exactly the same in all directions. Except that I knew that if I backed up, I would be back through the wall. There wasn't anything except the substance surrounding me.
Morgenstern had talked about using the line to go up through the worlds and for God to emanate light into our world, but inside the line, there was no movement in any particular direction. I backed out of it and found handles on the outside of the pipe. I grabbed hold of them and before I knew it, I was flying upward through the worlds. When it stopped moving, I don't know where I was, but it felt pretty high and far from where I'd started.
I have always wanted to know what the sephirot feel like, and when I asked at this point to feel them or feel the worlds, I was told to wait, one thing at a time.
I used my time at this high point, to check in with some old and current patients and see how they felt from this vantage. One of them in particular felt very rough and, as I'm writing this entry, I received an email from her with some bad news.
We'll see what the coming weeks bring, but it's amazing to read something and get an intellectual understanding of it and then get an experiential feel as well!
I've been studying the book on my own before class and reading all the commentaries in the edition I own, so I think I'm keeping up! Fortunately, I live in the 21st century and all the classes are digitally recorded as MP3's. In the next week or so, the classes will be posted on a website and I can listen to them again to make sure I'm understanding what he's saying.
The first lines of the book (we've only covered two or three paragraphs so far) is about the creation of the world. God, who is called אור אין סוף (ohr ayn-sof) or light without end, created the world by a process of contraction. In the middle of the light, God contracted himself and created a ball of חלול (meaning both hollow space and desecration against God). Into this ball, God inserted a קו (straight line of light) or צינור (pipe) and filled the ball with his light. Thus all of the worlds were created.
The rebbe interpreted this to mean that outside of the ball, there are no borders, but within the ball there are. There is a division between inside and outside that is still a border, and the pipe is also a border, but within the pipe, it's still light ayn-sof. If there were no borders, the world would return to pre-contraction state. But this pipe remains open so God can send his light into the world. How an infinite light can exist in a finite pipe is a good Koan.
When I first read the book, I wrote in the margins: This is just like a shamanic tunnel. Shamans always talk about going through a tunnel to get to the spirit world, and we have a tunnel that lead to God. Thus, if one can access this pipe, one can use it as a shamanic portal into the spirit world.
Tonight, at the Rebbe's Tish, I was flowing with the energy of the room and as he began to talk, I found myself wondering about this pipe. And, as happens with these things, the picture of the pipe in the book came to me. As I focused on the pipe within the circle, there it was in front of me. I went towards it, and as I looked up it's length, it twisted and turned. I kept moving forward through the wall of the pipe and was inside it. It was like nothing I've felt before. I felt like I was completely immersed in a heavy liquid, but felt no pressure anywhere. When I looked up, I could see the pipe going straight above me to Ayn-Sof. And then there was no up or down anymore.
The light in the pipe was moving, but it felt very random until I realized that I no longer had any sense of directionality. There was no up or down or left or right. Everything was exactly the same in all directions. Except that I knew that if I backed up, I would be back through the wall. There wasn't anything except the substance surrounding me.
Morgenstern had talked about using the line to go up through the worlds and for God to emanate light into our world, but inside the line, there was no movement in any particular direction. I backed out of it and found handles on the outside of the pipe. I grabbed hold of them and before I knew it, I was flying upward through the worlds. When it stopped moving, I don't know where I was, but it felt pretty high and far from where I'd started.
I have always wanted to know what the sephirot feel like, and when I asked at this point to feel them or feel the worlds, I was told to wait, one thing at a time.
I used my time at this high point, to check in with some old and current patients and see how they felt from this vantage. One of them in particular felt very rough and, as I'm writing this entry, I received an email from her with some bad news.
We'll see what the coming weeks bring, but it's amazing to read something and get an intellectual understanding of it and then get an experiential feel as well!
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